


As Bright as the Moon on a Cloudy Night

by dayone



Series: Tumblr Prompts [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: "your smile isn't as bright as it used to be", Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Cheating, Depression, Genderfluid Character, Homophobia, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Tumblr Prompt, henry laurens for #1 dad of the year, minor emotional parental abuse, that would be laf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 18:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7117255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dayone/pseuds/dayone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“John,” Lafayette repeats, “what happened to Alex?” </p><p>"Why don't you ask him?" It’s his fault anyway. Besides, I don’t think I could get through the story without crying.</p><p>“Because I have, mon ami, he starts crying whenever I ask.” They look truly distressed and frankly, I would be too, had I not known what had happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Bright as the Moon on a Cloudy Night

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: depression, homophobia, emotional parental abuse, cheating, brief internalized racism. Your mental health is worth more than a short story.

_“I’m sorry, John. I—“ Slam._

I screw my eyes shut, trying to block out Alex’s voice and the door slamming afterwards. I don’t understand how Alex could do such a thing. _Of course you can, you weren’t enough for him. In fact, he probably doesn’t even like you like that at all. He just spared you the embarrassment because he didn’t feel like dumping you._ After all, Alex is a force of nature, a live wire, an endless ball of palpable energy – how could I hope to keep his attention? He never stops for anything, why should I be any different? I feel myself slowly falling asleep, and my final thought rings around in my head until I finally drift off. _If Alex couldn’t put up with you, nobody can._

* * *

 

I wake up the next day, thankfully a Saturday, with dried tears on my face and in an all-around crappy mood. The only thing cheering me up right now is that fact that I have an entire weekend to build up my mask again. I’ve been building it since I was a child, growing up with my father will do that to a kid. There’s only so many times a kid can hear “Don’t you dare cry, Jack” and “Don’t disrespect your mother’s memory like this, Jack” until they finally crack. It was for my protection, still is actually. I can’t let anyone suspect anything since anything I do might “affect future elections, Jack. We can’t afford our _altercations_ out in the open, what if the media gets a hold of them? It’d ruin our image”. It’s gotten pretty good over the past few years too; even Eliza Schuyler isn’t concerned about me.

I spend the weekend with my head down and doing everything I am told, there’s no need to draw extra attention to myself. It might be my imagination, but I think Father is nicer than usual. _Maybe it’s because he’s finally getting the son he wanted. Quiet. Obedient. Not fighting at any chance he gets._

Sunday night is when my mask is first tested. My sister, Martha, cornered me in the far living room. The room itself is pretty but has a cold unlived in feeling, mainly because it’s Only For Use When Other Important Politicians Are Visiting. She all but forces me onto the floor, we weren’t actually allowed on the couch and Father _would_ find out, and she sits across from me.

“Something’s up. Spill.” Martha gives me one of her glares, it could make a serial killer confess their crimes and then some. Lucky as her older brother, I’ve pretty much grown immune, but it’s still unsettling considering she’s only fifteen years old.

“It’s just school, Mar. You’ll understand the stress of a senior in two years.” I feel terrible lying to her but I really don’t need another person realizing how pathetic I am.

“Martha! Jack! Come set the table!” Our father’s voice travels through the house as we both get up and start heading to the dining room. Martha sends me a look that implies that this isn’t over, but I’m just pleased to have postponed this.

* * *

 

I wake up the next morning and my first thought is that I just need to make it through today. The next is that I won’t be able to if I end up talking to Alex. _So just don’t talk to Alex, he doesn’t care anyway_. I get up and go through my daily routine of getting ready as fast as human possible because I should’ve gotten up half an hour ago. After ten minutes of running around with my socks half on and breakfast half eaten, I get into the driver side of my car while Martha gets into the passenger seat. She’s surprisingly quiet this morning. Naturally, it didn’t last.

“’Kay, what’s up?” Martha asks, and as another school related excuse is on the tip of my tongue, she adds, “And don’t give me any crap. I know something’s not right.”

Even though I know I’m going to lose this battle, I try to prolong the inevitable. “I told you, everything’s fine, I just have a few essays due in the next couple days. Senior life, you’ll understand when you get there.”

“Bullshit. Alex has rubbed off on you too much, you probably had them done three days ago.” I feel the car lurch as she mentions Alex and I pray that she didn’t feel it too. I see her turn to me and give me a look, there’s no doubt in my mind that she didn’t feel that. I keep my eyes on the road, but I know she’s piecing together an accurate story.

“John—“ Her voice is full of sympathy that I don’t want.

“Don’t, Martha.” I interrupt her more sharply than I intended. We arrive at school in silence.

I park the car and Martha runs off to her friends after a quick “See you tonight, John. Good luck!” _Good luck. Ha._ I’m sure as hell going to need it. I enter the school and head up the ramp to get to the English wing and stairwells. Usually, I would hang a left and wait for everyone at Hercules’ locker, the only one with a locker that didn’t require to use the stairs. We’re all lazy as fuck, sue us. Today, however, I turned right and went up the stairs to get to my locker on the upper floor.

For some reason, Lafayette is at my locker, a rare occurrence since they usually refuse to climb the stairs unless ultimately necessary.

I plaster a bright smile on my face and exclaim, “Hey, Laf! How you doing?” Laf looks up at the sound of their name, revealing flawless eyeliner, that I would never have the patience to do _ever_ , but also a serious and troubled expression. My eyebrows knit themselves together in my confusion.

“Laf? What’s up?”

“John,” Laf replies in the most serious tone I have ever heard them use, “What happened to Alex?”

* * *

 

_Last Friday Afternoon_

We entered the Washington’s, Alex’s foster parents and Laf’s exchange hosts, house. Tonight, it was just Alex and I as Laf agreed to model for Herc tonight. We head up to Alex’s room and start on our homework. As per usual, after about twenty minutes, I’m over the silence and ask him about his day. I’m a little more persistent than usual, as Alex has seemed a little off for the past week. After a few questions going absolutely nowhere, I decide to cut my losses and just ask him out right.

“Alex, seriously. What happened? Your smile isn’t as bright as it used to be.”

His answer rings out crystal clear. “Maria Reynolds.”

Maria? The junior? “What about Maria?” There are a few seconds of silence, then Alex spoke.

“Well, you know how there was that party that Laf convince me to go to?” Alex is looking down at his hands. He hasn’t looked at me since he mentioned Maria.

“The one I couldn’t go to because of that stupid political function my father made me go to?” Long story short, yes I knew the party. Laf had spent literal weeks convincing Alex to take a break.

“Yeah. That one. I may or may not have kissed her. It didn’t go much farther then that – not that I can remember, at least – but still,” he finally looks up at me. “I cheated on you, John. I’m sorry.”

 _You were never good enough. You can never be good enough. How on earth did you think you could tie down Alexander “Tomcat” Hamilton? You know how he is._ But he seemed genuinely happy with me. _People can_ act, _John, you know this first hand. How long have you been hiding behind your mask? You’ve survived by acting, by lies to hide how much of a disappointment you are. Even your very best makes you a third of the man your father wanted: white, straight, male. Instead he got you, a gay half-Puerto Rican boy that he didn’t even_ want _. That pretty much set the tone of your life, didn’t it? Disappointing and unwanted. Not good enough. Never good enough. Especially not for Alexander._

I get up from Alex’s bed and walk backwards until my back hits the bathroom door, as far away as I can get from Alex while still keeping my eyes on him. In the back of my mind, I am vaguely aware that I must look like a ghost, but I can’t honestly say that I care. Alex gets up to and takes a step towards me. _Out. Get out._ I push down the handle of the door and turn into the bathroom. In the few moments I take my eyes off Alex, his expression turned heartbroken. _He just can’t believe that the boy he was dating is such a disappointment. He’s realizing how much time he’s spent on you._ That’s ridiculous, we were friends for years before we started dating. _Just more lost time to mourn._ Alex opens his mouth to speak. _Out. Get out before he sees you cry and thinks even less of you._

“I’m sorry, John. I –“ I slam the bathroom door in his face and open the bathroom window. Alex, Herc, Laf and I, _and sometimes just you and Alex_ , always ended up on the roof during summer holidays and we discovered that the best way up was through this window. I can see my vision blurring with tears as I climb out and jump onto the, very purposefully and intentionally placed, trampoline below the ledge. I run all the way home, hoping that the wind will explain my red faces, bloodshot eyes, and runny nose.

* * *

 

“John,” Lafayette repeats, “what happened to Alex?” "Why don't you ask him?" It’s his fault anyway. Besides, I don’t think I could get through the story without crying.

“Because I have, mon ami, he starts crying whenever I ask.” They look truly distressed and frankly, I would be too, had I not known what had happened.

“Look, Laf, it’s not something I—“ I see Alex walking beside Hercules, with his hands at his sides. It’s an uncommon sight but a telltale sign that he’s not talking. _You won’t make it through the day if you talk to Alex_. I rush out a quick “I need to go” and all but run back down the stairs. Away from Laf. Away from Hercules. And ultimately, away from Alex.

* * *

 

I stumble through the first three periods of the day, with only minor errors to show for it, like the fact that I almost set my hair on fire in chemistry because I forgot to tie it back. Either way, it’s now fourth period, and I’ve made it through the majority of the day. However, now it’s lunch, the only period I share with Alex, and it’s going to be a hell of a lot more difficult to avoid him. So, really, I can’t be blamed for dragging my feet all the way to the cafeteria.

Right as I enter into the cafeteria, with a half formed plan to get Alex to leave me alone, Eliza calls out my name behind me. I turn, put a smile on my face and start walking towards her.

“Hello, Eliza Schuyler. How are you?”

“Pretty good, John Laurens. Could I steal you for a moment?” I give a quick nod and she starts guiding me out of the cafeteria. Bless this girl’s soul. She starts to lead us to one of the many alcoves around the auditorium and turns to me once we are in one of them.

“This isn’t why I originally came to talk to you, but I was just wondering if you are okay? You seemed a little out of it in English.” _Your mask is cracking_. I don’t want this façade to completely crumble so I ask Eliza to drop it. Thankfully, she does. Someone ought to give this girl a medal, honestly. We walk out to the main hallway again while Eliza starts talking again.

“Anyway, I really asked to borrow you to see if you would mind tutoring Peggy in biology? It’s not really her strong suit.” I agree immediately.

Peggy’s tutoring ends up taking up the entire period. Why she didn’t ask for help sooner is beyond me. Either way, it means that I don’t need to see Alex until after school.

* * *

 

 Martha texts me at the end of last period to say that she’s heading over to a friend’s house to work on a project so I don’t need to drive her home. That leaves me now at my locker, after the bell has just rung, saying goodbye to Eliza while she thanks me for helping Peggy. I turn back to my locker and finish putting away my textbooks, only to get up and find myself face to face with a very worse-for-wear Alexander Hamilton.

I take my time looking at him since he doesn’t speak immediately. The bags under his eyes are a lot darker and more prominent than usual, but that’s not what catches my eye. No, my biggest concern is the fact that the ever-present spark in his eyes has been completely extinguished and without an ember left. I wish I could honestly say that it didn’t affect me. If it was anyone else, it wouldn’t. But this was Alex, and he looked completely heartbroken. He looked completely broken and resigned.

I take a deep breath and make the hardest decision I’ve ever made to date. “Time, Alex. I need time.”

**Author's Note:**

> come join me on tumblr at flowergirlmulligan, feel free to request a fic (or just come by and say hello!)


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